I've been dealing with anxiety and intermittent bouts of depression since my last years of middle school. Total amount of years spent dealing with it sums up to about 11. Give or take. In the 11 years that I've been trudging through the ups and downs of life, I've never become used to the lack of understanding some people have for mental illnesses. I've got to set some things straight about it, if that's cool with you guys.

1. It's never OK to think that people with depression or anxiety can choose to be happy.

Let's really chat about this one. I can't tell you how many times someone has told me "happiness is a choice!" This has been one of the most destructive things people have said to me. Trust me, I want to be happy. If I could have chosen to be happy, I would have.

Let me break this one down for you. Depression is an actual disease. Proven by science. What kind of science? I'm about to get real technical on you folks. In the early days of depression studies, scientists thought it was simply created by low levels of serotonin. Serotonin is the neurotransmitter responsible for happiness or elation, AKA "the feel good hormone." Docs thought that stuffing patients with drugs filled with serotonin would fix the problem. And although, it helps, depression is actually much more complicated than just chemical imbalances.

In recent years, scientists have realized that people with depression actually have an irregularity within their hippocampus. The hippocampus is the part of the brain responsible for memory and emotion. In depressed patients, the hippocampus is smaller, and interestingly enough, the hippocampus gets smaller throughout the time a person is depressed. This shrinkage can be fixed by stimulating the growth of it with new neurons. Yes, this can be done by using serotonin drugs, but scientists are finding it grows more rapidly when we use drugs that focus directly on neurogenesis.

If you're a visual learner. Take a look at the video below.




In summation, telling someone who is depressed to be happy is like telling someone with ADD to focus, or someone with diabetes to create more insulin if they just tried a little harder. It may not be a disease that you see physically, but it certainly has real implications, and isn't something that people can just get over.

2. Things to say to someone who is depressed.

There's so many things you can say to someone that is depressed that won't make them feel crummier for the fact that they can't control how they feel. For me, the reassurance of my family and friends being there for me is immeasurably helpful. A simple "I'm here for you" helps so much. The feeling of not being alone is something I will never take for granted.

All we really want is understanding. We know you can't maybe feel what we're feeling, but simply understanding that we can't control it, and being there for us without putting us down or making us feel inferior is all we're asking.

Here's a great quiz to see if you know what to say to someone: 7 Best and Worst Things to Say to Someone With Depression.

3. Suicide is not selfish.

This one tears me up inside. Suicide is the result of soul crunching darkness. Suicide is the result of constant hopelessness. Suicide is the result of someone not knowing what to do anymore. Can you imagine feeling so lost, so destroyed that you feel like you cannot go on anymore? Like the only way to get out of the situation you're in is to just make it end?

If you've never been in that frame of mind, how would you know?

Instead of making judgment calls on people who have committed or have tried to commit, try to help. Know the warning signs. Be there for your friends who you know are depressed. Don't judge them. Understand that what they're feeling is valid. Tell them you'll listen. Hold them. Call them even if they won't pick up their phone. Just. Be. There.

So many things are so destructive to someone with depression. We hate that we're a burden. However, we recognize the friends and loved ones who are there constantly. We never forget how a simple check in feels. If you are feeling depressed, or suicidal please, get help. I may not know you, but please know that I love you. You're worth living. Your thoughts are valid. Don't make a permanent decision for a temporary situation.

I keep the card to the right in my wallet at all times. It's a little battered. I've had it since high school, but it will always be on me. I hope I never have to use it. I hope I never have to call the number on it for someone I know, or for myself. Be tolerant. Learn always. Love one another.

Note from the Other Dimple: When Mary told me she was going to write this post, I was relieved. Since I was a teenager I've been in different types of relationships with people with depression and anxiety. Some were classmates, some were roommates, some were family and friends. Some were diagnosed and on medication, and some were not. Some are still working to find a bright spot in every day, and some ended things in a way that makes me want to cry every day.
I've gone through years of life and gauntlet of emotion as a non-depressed person who knows and cares about those with depression. But through all this, no one told me what I was supposed to do. What did I say? What did I do? What if I did the wrong thing and made it worse? Despite years of witnessing depression in action, no one ever told me how to become an active participant.
Thank you Mary, for saying what people need to hear.